Self-analysis

[urbpan]

There are many things that are extremely embarrassing about thinking I'd lost my iPod and whinging about it on livejournal. One of these is that I'm now admitting that I dreamt about losing it and finding it all night long. I wish we had the power to choose our obsessions. We can direct our minds and our lives, but only by tiny increments.

It's fascinating to me, as I stand outside of myself for a moment, to realize I was depressed and despairing and for a short time allowed the temporary loss of an object to be the event that made a major decision for me (whether to continue the podcast or not). My brain's chemistry set seems very fragile, requiring the tiniest bump to spill out enough serotonin or melatonin or whatever to jar me into real (temporary) despair.

How do people who have real problems keep it all together to go on with their lives? How are very productive people able to power themselves not just to keep on going but to produce admirable and valuable works?

Anyway, enjoy the holiday weekend, carry on.

Comments

A reply with my own story because everything is actually about me...

[bleppo.livejournal.com]

... Or at least it's the only way I know how to empathize...

For some reason, iTunes has ceased to work on my computer. I've tried everything I can think of or that iTunes support tells me to do, and I still can't get it to even open. I have hundreds and hundreds of things on iTunes, and it is the perfect vehicle for the mindless data entry I spend my days doing.

So I am a wreck. And that is ridiculous.

(Meanwhile, I have much larger, serious problems, and there are people out there with even larger, even more serious problems, but I am obsessing over iTunes. Notice how I even typed the word "iTunes" FOUR TIMES here?)

[asakiyume.livejournal.com]

I dunno; I think lots of us go about with whole tempests inside, keeping it together with duct tape and staples.

--oh, and I'm not claiming to be a person with real problems. just the sort of fake mirage ones that are still pretty preoccupying....

[autumnfox.livejournal.com]

to be fair, it was not the physical object that you despaired over losing but the thoughts (your mental work) that were recorded on it. i always despair when something happens to my phone, because my photographs are on it. the physical phone is not the point.

[urb-banal.livejournal.com]

There was a time when I think I was a bit impressive. I had a lot going on and some major stresses. Someone (who by the way hurt me when they completely disappeared) said to me, "I heard you had cancer and Gary left! Look at you! YOU look great, you are handling SO MUCH... What is your secret?" I told her that I started telling people to "Fuck off" alot.

There are all sorts of ways to galvanize the psyche when it seems imperative. That is how as a species we are able to perform amazing feats of beauty but also of horror. I don't think it is something we can control, it just kicks in, or it doesn't and I prefer my present state of grace, some what fragile, often depressed and yet not removed from my life, or living outside of myself. The most important thing I learned was I could be a horrible person. It was sobering.

The secret, and I don't mean the book (ick) is just learning to let go of our successes and our failures and just try to continue to do what is right and good as much and as often as we can (which is always going to be less than we would like).

I love your podcasts. I think that if you can, you should do them. But if you can't I am fairly certain you will continue to be the champion of species of least concern in some arena. That's cool.

As for getting depressed/obsessed if I knew how to stop it I would be very happy. Sitting infront of a blank wall for 20 minutes at a time sometimes allow the ridiculousness of my ego wear itself out. But only sometimes. I have spent the day doing things other than my practice, but now I am going to do it! *starts beating self for being a hypocrit*

[urbpan.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much for this, I really appreciate it.