urbpan: (Jesus riding a dinosaur)
[personal profile] urbpan
With our nation's Iowans set to start up the 2008 Presidential Campaign with their First in the Nation Caucus (TM), I thought I'd contribute some obfuscation to the process with some vicious lies I made up.



  • Mitt Romney, in keeping with Mormon custom, is preparing for the caucus tonight by feasting on the blood of Christian babies with his many wives.

  • John Edwards is still in third place on the Democratic side, despite squandering millions on 400 dollar haircuts for every Iowan who wanted one.

  • Mike Huckabee, in a bid to pander to the Iowan Christian Conservative vote has changed his name to "Hucklebee" for the purposes of the caucus. His campaign continues to proudly brandish the Jesus on a Dinosaur emblem.

  • Barack Obama has had nude photos taken and has promised to post them on his website ONLY if he wins the Democratic caucus.

  • Rudy Giuliani has retracted his statement that "Iowans are cornfed moron hicks," but still refuses to step foot in the state. His body double, Count Chocula, will make a last minute appeal for the evil vote.

  • Hillary Clinton has had nude photos taken and has threatened to post them UNLESS she wins the Democratic caucus.

  • Fred Thompson remains in the race, but only so he can attempt to get in bed with Dennis Kucinich's wife.

  • Dennis Kucinich remains in the race, and will win with the help of the Orbital Mind Control Lasers.

  • Despite having personally had breakfast with everyone in the state, still no one in Iowa knows who Chris Dodd is.

  • Ron Paul spent the last week leading up to the caucus defiling the Children's sections of every public library in Iowa.

  • Bill Richardson was forcibly deported from Iowa by Duncan Hunter.

  • Record-breaking low temperatures in Iowa ("colder than a wooden crocodile," as the cornfed residents often say) will not keep Iowans from caucusing, because of their strong desire for change, competence, and the free beer and live sex shows that characterize the caucuses.


    EDIT: I forgot to make up a vicious lie about John McCain, so feel free to do so in the comments.

Date: 2008-01-03 10:45 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] barbmg.livejournal.com
Hee hee hee.

Date: 2008-01-03 10:49 pm (UTC)

Date: 2008-01-03 11:03 pm (UTC)
ext_3407: squiggly symbol floating over water (Default)
From: [identity profile] hummingwolf.livejournal.com
I find your political analysis entirely believable.

Date: 2008-01-03 11:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mperrotti76.livejournal.com
I know... He's starngely accurate here. Mr Pan, you win +1-Billion internets for this.

Date: 2008-01-03 11:58 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] aemiis-zoo.livejournal.com
"feasting on the blood of Christian babies with his many wives"

MITT ROMNEY IS A VAMPIRE?!!!

Date: 2008-01-04 02:10 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wulfsbane.livejournal.com
John McCain has two nuticles.

Date: 2008-01-04 03:13 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] heavenscalyx.livejournal.com
No, no, that's Giuliani. Remember that prostate cancer surgery?

Date: 2008-01-04 07:47 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] brush-rat.livejournal.com
Of course, you realize that by exposing the Count Chocula ploy you've set yourself up for a very unpleasent and powery death.

Date: 2008-01-04 07:49 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] brush-rat.livejournal.com
John McCain has been secretly kidnapping and waterboarding any candidate who refuse to admit water boarding is torture. Oddly enough, several are still unsure even after.

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