I'm not complaining--really, I'm not

[urbpan]

I don't usually do New Years Resolutions, but this year I want to resolve to stop complaining. Winter will not be the easiest time to do this, since I hate winter weather so much. It'll be a challenge right out of the gate.

As I shoveled snow until I felt bad this morning (only took a half hour) I was thinking about complaints: what constitutes a complaint? If you state a fact ("it took us almost eleven hours to drive to Long Island in a snowstorm") is that a complaint? Or is the intention of the statement what makes it a complaint?

I used to be very aggravated by my coworkers complaining at my last job. My belief was that the complaint didn't accomplish anything. If there is something that can be done about it, then do it. If not, then shut up and stop making everyone around you feel negative. Maybe it's the negative energy that makes a complaint what it is. Perhaps instead of resolving to stop complaining, I should resolve to have a more positive outlook.

Any thoughts?

Comments

[pwl1.livejournal.com]

A complaint is sometimes in the perception of the listener. While you may simply be stating a fact ("it took us almost eleven hours to drive to Long Island...") someone else may take that as a complaint because it took *them* less time to get to the same destination. On the other hand, if all you're doing is finding fault with something - I believe that truly is complaining. And you're right - that is an extremely negative activity. We seem to find it easier to knock something than to try to make it better.

FWIW, I have not perceived you to be a complainer.

[bohemiansmoke.livejournal.com]

I work with 5 of THE most negative people in our district. They tease me constantly about being in my own little happy bubble. Try the positive outlook. I have a daily mantra that I tune into when they get on their negative diatribes....I love my job, I love working with these kids, my kids are capable of anything. I find that when I am convinced of these 3 facts, my classroom issues disappear.

btw...happiness and positive energy are more contagious than negative energy.

[urb-banal.livejournal.com]

I try this approach when I have an internal rant: Try to express it in three five word sentences. It's almost impossible but the excercise really cuts down of the whinning aspect and makes one focus on what is the real issue --if there is one.

When practicing zen formally, don't ignore things that come up over and over, but don't react to them either (hense formal practice) when we get up and finish our sitting and go on to a day to day, either realize it is just noise or come up with what needs to be done, even if it is difficult or impossible at this time.

(I find being overly cheerful is almost as annoying as being overly critical but I don't think you mean that...)

[urb-banal.livejournal.com]

complaining can be a social skill, I just thought of that. Some people do it in an excellent way, to break the ice, make people laugh or find a common subject for conversation...

[gigglingwizard.livejournal.com]

Any thoughts?

Yes, but not about what or whether you should resolve. That's a personal decision. What I'm thinking is that complaints aren't necessarily a bad thing. I understand that whining can bring down other people's morale, and that happiness can be contagious as well. I also get the "fake it 'til you make it" approach to lifting your mood. But I think it's a step too far to regard all complaints as equally and inherently bad.

To me, the question isn't so much "Is this statement a complaint?" but rather, "Does this complaint hold the potential to effect positive change, or am I just spinning my wheels in the mud, splattering all around me?"

Imagine that you and a friend are being given a tour of a business. You're led through the stylish, modern office, down a comfortably lit hallway, and into a dark, miserable looking, dungeon-like room. There you see dozens of starving, injured children, chained to work stations and standing in their own excrement. A couple of them are dead, still in chains.

You start to protest, but before you can say a word, your friend stops you and says, "I know what you're going to say. Just don't. We're trying to enjoy this nice tour of this lovely facility, and we don't need you bringing everyone down." Your friend turns to the guide and explains, "'Mr. Negativity' here always finds something to complain about, and I'm trying to help him break the habit."

Sometimes things are wrong, and the only way anything gets done about them is if somebody speaks up. Forcing ourselves or others to bite down our righteous objections and plaster on fake smiles so as not to rock the boat is, I feel, a form of emotional violence. It's coercive, guilting people for complaining about something they have every right to complain about.

Of course, that has nothing to do with getting mad at the cold or the snow. :)

[anais2.livejournal.com]

This entry and the comments are really worthwhile food for thought, and worth saving.
I was raised with the "There is no try; there is only do, or do not do" rule, and I find it limiting as well as inspiring. I'm now trying to learn to allow myself some room to be less than Superwoman at all times.
Seems like we all have issues to face, huh?

[roaming.livejournal.com]

"We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are." (Anais Nin, except imagine the umlaut which I can't figure out how to do on top of the second a)

That goes for complaining -- "wow, it took us eleven hours, that was a first and we got to see many things along the way!" vs "jeez, it took us eleven hours! What an exhausting trip that delayed our arrival and we missed things we wanted to be here for, dammit!" -- AND for how complaints are received. I know if I'm in a peaceful mood when someone complains, I just see it as them wanting to share -- misery not only likes company, it demands it! -- and mostly they just want to get a "there there you poor thing! But hey, I CARE!" response so they don't feel alone.

[elainetyger.livejournal.com]

I find complaints bothersome if there is blame attached to them or if the person making them fails to recognize that they are complaining. When someone includes the tag "rant" on a post, for example, anything goes. Any sentence beginning with "You should" that didn't follow my request for help is a bothersome complaint. It implies that you are dissatisfied with something about me and have an expectation that I will fix it to comply with your view of how life goes. (I don't mean *you* when I say "you," I mean the generic you.)

If you are simply complaining without any expectation that I will do anything but say "hm. Uh huh. I hear ya" then go ahead.

As long as you put up with my complaints, too.

[miz-geek.livejournal.com]

I think a lot depends on context. There are certain situations where complaining can be a way of being social - shared annoyances and all that. And sometimes it helps to express the things that piss you off so you can get over it. As elainetyger says, an awareness that you're complaining helps, too, as does doing it in an entertaining manner.

But some people seem to only dwell on the negative, seem to never be happy, or worse, are only happy if they're finding fault with something or someone. Those people drive me nuts. I either feel like they expect me to do something about it and I can't, or I start to feel resentful about the same things and I don't really like feeling like that. I do think that there's something to the "choose your attitude" idea. Not that it's a panacea or a way to fix everything that's wrong, but it makes the day-to-day stuff more pleasant.

[obie119.livejournal.com]

I think if it's something you can reasonably change or work to change (sleeping through alarms, local policies, I don't know), then it's cool. Complaining about things you have no control over, though (weather, long lines in the post office the week before Christmas, delayed flights) gets old really fast. There's one co-worker who drives me crazy with complaining about the weather every.single.day. I think part of it is a social thing, she wants to bond with people over weather complaints. But there are millions of other ways to bond besides the same complaints every day!
Yesterday we were stuck in O'Hare for three hours trying to get home - and we were the lucky ones to actually make it onto a flight. Even with pain in the ass delays, there's other ways to interact with fellow travelers besides mutual complaining. Complaining often only reminds the listeners of something unpleasant and can bring down the mood.

Also, I think the weather complaints depend on your situation. If you are someone who works outside, or your livelihood is affected by the weather (i.e. independent shopkeepers who may have lost business with the snow this weekend), or you're physically unable to shovel - then yeah, go ahead, and I will totally sympathasize.