3:00 snapshot #333, plus noticing the year 06/14/08

[urbpan]

Yesterday morning I took Charlie swimming at a pond behind a warehouse on RT. 9. In the median strip in rt. 9 in Brookline, in the areas they haven't rebuilt yet, there is a thick monocultural herb garden of blooming chicory, my favorite wildflower. It's raining right now, for the first time in over a week. The plants Alexis put in our front area were starting to wilt and shrivel, so hopefully this will help.



We went to Carrie's house last night to welcome her new dog. We ate really well, and played rock band. I felt like being social was just what I needed. I've been in a funk lately, but I don't even know why. The weather has been just as I like it, and the rest of my life ranges from acceptable to exceptionally fortunate.

I know that depression doesn't have to have an external reason, that it's a chemical problem inside me. I'm also aware that I don't have it bad enough to warrant seeing a doctor about it. I still go to work, and indulge some of my hobbies; I don't stay in bed all day, even though that sounds nice.

So while it was fun to finally get over my inhibitions and really belt out Blitzkrieg Bop, part of me wonders if I was just having a drunken good time. I mean, I was, but I was also enjoying the company of friends. Is it really breaking through a depression when you do it after four bourbon and cokes? I definitely feel like interacting with people in a social, non-work setting dispels some of the fog of self-hatred; I don't feel like drinking interferes with the process (quite the opposite), but it does feel a bit like self-medicating, and for some reason I suspect a doctor would disapprove.

Comments

[momomom.livejournal.com]

I don't think self medicating on an occasional basis is problematic. In fact, the fact that you recognize what you are doing makes it even less a problem. Really what is drinking but self medicating for any of us, depressed or not.

[candent.livejournal.com]

Quote:

In fact, the fact that you recognize what you are doing makes it even less a problem

Excuse me for jumping in here...
Yes, he recognizes what he's doing may be a problem but why do you consider that realization a positive thing if he decides not to be proactive about it?

[anais2.livejournal.com]

I think it would be a problem if the ONLY time you felt better was when you're schnockered. Or, if the alcohol itself acted as a depressant, afterward.
Everyone needs to turn loose occasionally, don't worry about that- it sounds like you know how to self-comfort productively.
But if you ever feel like you need a doctor, don't hesitate. Brains are complex, and sometimes need a kick in the lobe to work better.
You are so smart!

[ndozo.livejournal.com]

Sometimes a drop in the amount of (vigorous, aerobic) exercise a person is getting can set off a drop in neurotransmitters resulting in depression. Chronic mild dehydration can do that as well. I think the longer you are depressed the harder it is to dispel it, so if it continues much longer, even it isn't crippling, you might consider getting some pills for a few months. It's too easy to settle for a diminished quality of life without even realizing that that's what you are doing.

[elainetyger.livejournal.com]

Jeff, your mom is in a nursing home and is not the same person you knew as a child. That alone is enough to make anyone depressed. Chronic stress, even low-level chronic stress, is far worse for us than acute episodes such as emergencies, where what doesn't kill us truly makes us stronger. The chronic stuff just kills us, really really slowly.

Depression is often a discomfort that the mind and body settle for to avoid emotions that some part of us finds more threatening. I'm not saying that's what's going on with you, just that if there's someone professional you can talk to about how you feel, whether with or without medication, you might be able to understand better whatever it is.

[harrietbrown.livejournal.com]

If you hate yourself most of the time and the only thing that dispels it is alcohol (which seems to be what you're saying here), it's time to take a closer look at what's really going. As the above comment mentions, your Mom is in a nursing home and you have been watching her lose ground. That's got to be hard on you.

Also, I've noticed that there are some things you like about your job and some things you don't like about it and you still seem unsure of yourself. Hell, I've been doing my job for 3 years now, and most of the time I love it, but there are days when I don't like it and I almost always feel insecure about it. You have to ask yourself, is that an accurate perception, a perception that management is enforcing upon you (because that's their management style) or just your own high expectations?

So both those situations combined could be leading you to be depressed. Also, you have to examine the way you think. A lot of the time, we repeat thoughts in our minds that lead us to certain mood states, regardless of the reality that surrounds us. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy addresses that issue - if you can change the thought, you can change the person.

I'm sure this sounds harsh, but I'm dealing with A LOT of depressed people right now. Some are depressed for obvious reasons, some not so obvious. But I would hate to see you lose any ground to this beast. So, please, consider the advice you've been given by these good people.

[greenminions.livejournal.com]

Yeah, a doctor may disapprove but I don't think they are always right. My husband's "shrink" (sorry, don't feel like spelling the proper term) wanted him to give up all these academic extracurriculars like presenting at conferences, applying for research grants, writing encyclopedia articles, because he was over extending himself too much.

He doesn't realize though that him doing all these things are really, IMO and in the opinion of some of his mentors, really giving him an edge when it comes to furthering his academic career. Yeah, it adds to his issues, but at the same time it gives him a confidence I've rarely seen in the 4.5 years we have been together.

Anyway, so my point is that...
a doctor can't ever really, truly KNOW how YOU feel. You are honest in admitting that the situation might not be the healthiest. To me, that shows that you aren't that deep into a problem. It's normal to reflect on your actions, even if it leads you to not feeling happy with certain situations. I'd rather self reflect and feel negativity, than never self reflect and really try to analyze the situations around me. Otherwise you're just walking around in a haze.